My Perfect Perfectionist
I would have never in a million years guessed that my easiest son would be the one with the Autism diagnosis.
How is that? How is he the one that follows direction, is compliant (thanks ABA therapy), always wants to please, never has to be asked twice, does what he is told and is simply a good kid?
My youngest child, my “golden child”, is the one that sucks my soul, the one who keeps me on my toes and has me making hard parenting decisions. Did his two older siblings not prepare me for what was to come? Some say he is like my first child, but I disagree. We can categorize and box anything we want if we need to give it some meaning or reason. However, the reality is, kids are who the are… and we really never know what we are going to get regardless of age, gender or whether they are the oldest, youngest or in between. They are who they are. Maguire is who he is.
Maguire is a perfectionist. As I explained to him, it is not a term we are throwing around like some people casually say they have OCD or ADD or they suffer from some common disorder. It is actually a real thing, and Maguire really is a perfectionist. The true definition of a perfectionist is: a person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection. Perfectionists come up with an idea in their minds of how they will perform a task or what a particular outcome will be. If they are not able to perform the way they have envisioned, they are a FAILURE… there is no inbetween, it is very black and white.
Maguire, from a very young age, probably 3 months old, would observe the world around him, taking in everything. As a toddler, he would go to the park, and watch the older kids around him. He wouldn’t play, he would watch. The next day, he would attempt to do exactly what the other kids had done the day before.
In the beginning, we were in awe. We watched in amazement as our little man perfected the things he so intently studied. As school approached we realized this perfectionism was not as amazing as we thought. Drawing pictures in Kindergarten, something that should be fun, turned into 15 crumpled up drafts on the floor damp with tears. I would sit as impatient as I am, and amuse my child for the first 2 or 3 attempts. On the fourth, as the marker barley hits outside the line, I see the frustration fill my son’s body. Before he can crumple his paper, I lose it… I want to scream “just finish the f’ing picture… it’s perfect!” Oh my god, I just can’t handle it. This went on for years and not just with drawing, it was with sports and pretty much anything that he attempted. Maguire had a level of expectation he would put upon himself and if he didn’t do it “perfectly” on the first try, things would turn bad.
It was time to parent and start addressing this issue. As with anything in life, we didn’t want this to snowball and we knew it wasn’t going to fix itself. Thankfully I have A LOT of knowledge and connections in the therapy world, so I knew who to call to get some direction. Maguire was assessed and tested and then we were given the greatest gift, a referral to a therapist who would change all our lives.
Coach Chris, as we called him, was what my son had been asking for for years. He had always wanted a therapist just like his brothers. Maguire had sports and all sorts of other activities that his brothers couldn’t do, they had therapy. He didn’t care, all he wanted was “his person”, someone that was there for him, just him. Being born into therapy, watching people come and go into our home, always there for his brothers, working with them and being so attentive, more than a teacher, a friend, that’s what he wanted. He finally got it with Coach Chris.
Chris was the definition of cool. He was fun, and he was an amazing athlete. He shared secrets with Maguire and they had inside jokes, they even had a special handshake that I was only privileged to see on the fly. He taught Maguire how to lose with dignity and that a great athlete is one who can rise up when they are down. Chris even had rad hair, but admitted openly not as cool as Maguire’s. He taught Maguire so much, not only that there is no such thing as perfect, but he taught him how to be a better person. He was one of Maguire’s biggest fans. “I am so stoked to be working with Maguire. I hope that one day, when Maguire is the person I know he is going to be - I can say I had a little something to do with getting him there.” - Chris Stretch
We lost Coach Chris a few weeks ago. Devastating doesn’t describe the feelings we have endured. My son lost his role model, the person who believed he could be anything, his friend... his person. This has come at such a pivotal time. Now in 4th grade, school is becoming more challenging, sports are not just for the naturally athletic, and life has become a little more complicated. Maguire is good at anything and everything he wants to do. Things come naturally and he doesn’t have to try very hard. When challenges are presented, we have a choice in life… to rise up or to move onto the next thing. In the past, Maguire’s challenges were juvenile, using chopsticks, tying a fancy knot, beating a level on a game or having the perfect hair do. Melt downs happened, but it wasn’t the end of the world and life went on.
In this past month, challenges have presented themselves to my little perfectionist, and they haven’t been as insignificant as making a paper airplane. What do you do when your son (or daughter) wants to walk away from something, throw their hands up in the air, throw in the towel on something that they have loved, only because things got a little difficult. Maguire could score 5 goals, do 3 assists, block a penalty shot, but only walks away from the game remembering he let that one player #9 get by him on that breakaway. So in this pivotal moment, we as parents have a choice, let our kids walk or RISE UP.
We have been blessed with another Coach Chris in our lives. Someone who has been there all along, and sees the same greatness in Maguire. Coach Carl has taken on the role, knowing the loss of Chris and knowing their is void to be filled in Maguire’s life right now. This isn’t about soccer, this is about life. When things get challenging and difficult, we rise up and fight. This is something I live by. I have the world Sisu tattooed on my arm and it is a constant reminder of my strength and determination when I am faced with a challenge.
Rise up and show your kids by example how to persevere and face challenges as they are presented to them. Don’t let your kids take the easy way out. Show them how to be great, teach them to be the people they were meant to be, and teach them to overcome life’s challenges with confidence and grace.